Have you ever wondered what happens to your mnd and body during and after sex?
Therapist Janice Leonard is here to help us understand what’s happening during sex and how we dan show care for our parnter(s) after sex.
Two things we need to consider
Janice says first it’s important to understand why we are having sex. And that ist is consensual and we are protected from STDs, HIV and unwanted pregnancies. Then we talk about what kind of sex we are going to have, because there are diffeent ways to have sex. There’s oral, vaginal, anal, fingering, handjobs, dry humping, genital rubbing, self pleasureing and masturbation.
Once we know why we’re having sex and what kind of sex we are having, then we can get into what’s happening to our bodies. And what’s happening during sex to our bodies, is that we are relasing all of the happy hormones like oxitcin, the love hormones as we call them. Our blood vessels are widening and they’re dilated and of course sensitivity skyrockets.
So why do we miss some of this?
Janice mentions that we miss a lot of this if we are truly not present. She says that’s why she talks about mindfulness during couples therapy. Because for some sex is not that pleasurable, and it can feel like another chore. She focuses on being connected with your parner and being mindful and present to the sensations happening in the body. She says it’s important that both persons needs are met.
It goes back to what do we want to feel when its all done? We want to feel relaxed, we want to feel good, we want to feel connected to our partner(s).
One of the ways we can ensure our needs are met is to make sure we know what brings us pleasure. Janice recommends self pleasure as a way to discover how your needs can be met. And then and only then can we communicate to our partner how they can bring us pleasure and meet our needs.
This is one of the benefits of couples therapy, learning how to communicate all of these needs and desires.
So let’s talk about after sex care
When our bodies and minds are coming down off of the hormonal high, how can we show care for our partner?
Therapist Janice Leonard says the first thing most of us think about doing is going pee, or jumping in the shower. But, she says its important, especially depending on the intensity of the sex, to come back to the calm and the connection.
She recommends cuddling or holding each other, talking to each other and providing reassurance. This can be as simple as talking about what happened. This can be really healthy for our brains to remember that even in those intense moments we are still safe and we are secure.
What about our body image insecurities following us into the bedroom?
Janice says certainly we should be talking and sharing our body concerns with our partner(s). In a loving ans secure relationship we can reassure our partners that we love all of them. We can find ways to wor with our partners to create safety and security during sexual experiences.
Ex: If our partner is struggling with negative body image and relates to us that they don’t like having sex with the lights on, we can accomodate them by reassuring them we love their body and if it makes them more comfortable to have sex with the lights off, we have sex with the lights off to help them feel safe and secure.
For those of us struggling with negative body image, Janice says it’s important to search for and follow body positive social media sites. Remember, no two bodies are the same and every body is beautiful.
How do we talk with our kids about sex?
The first thing we can do is talk about the body parts using the correct terminology. It’s a penis, not a pee-pee, or a ding-dong, or a tinkle. Its a vulva and a vagina, not a tee-tee, or a Va-Jay-Jay, or a cookie. It’s important as parents to use the correct terminology to help prevent sexual abuse.
Janice says then we talk about sex in a scientific and values based conversation. We do this in an age appropriate language and as openly and honestly and directly as we can. Because if we aren’t having these conversations with them, they will have them with their friends. They will find information about sex on the streets or on the internet. Trust me, they will find it!
Let’s normalize having conversations about sex.
One of the reasons I love having conversations about sex, is to help normalize it. We’re all doing it and for some reason, none of us like to talk about it. When we have open and honest conversation about sex, intimacy and kink, we help to remove the negative culture conditioning we’ve learned about sex.
So open up and let’s start talking openly, honestly and positively about sex and intimacy with our partners and our children.
Janice Leonard Bio
Janice Leonard is a licensed professional counselor and Sex therapist in training. She specializes in all things sex therapy and trained in sexual assault survivor advocacy. Janice is LGBTQ+ affirming, kink-aware, lifestyle (ethical non-monogamy) aware, sex worker-friendly, and an advocate for sex-positive parenting.
She is an ambassador for the American Sexual Health Association and a partner with Velvet Box DFW promoting all things SexEd, safety, pleasure, and accessories!
Connect with Janice Leonard via Instagram https://www.instagram.com/hersexualspacepodcast/ Or visit her website https://www.hersexualspace.com/ You can also listen to Her Sexual Space Podcast.
Connect with Cassie Burton and the Curiosity Junkie Podcast on Instagram and Facebook. You can also connect with the Love And Healing Podcast on Instagram and Facebook.