Have you ever been curious about the world of Kink and Fetish?
Relationship and sex therapist, Paula Leech is here to enlighten and educate us on the topic of Kink and Fetish.
I have to say, for me, this conversation was an educational and eye-opening dive into understanding the dynamics, boundaries and communication that takes place within the kink community. An understanding we can apply within the “Normal-Vanilla” sexual experience.
What is the difference between Kink and Fetish?
Paula says Fetish is desire or arousal that’s linked to objects, material, body parts, types of people or types of bodies. It can be that the individual needs this thing to become aroused or it may be that this thing enhances the overall desire and arousal.
Kink encompasses any behaviors, lifestyles and relationship arrangements. For example it includes, non-monogamy, BDSM and basically anything that is not mainstream, “Vanilla” sex.
If we find ourselves curious and wanting to explore the world of kink, Therapist Paula leech recommends we seek out resources. She says there are a lot out there that talk about how to incorporate elements of kink and fetish into our relationships. Many discuss how to navigate it with our partners and how to explore the kink world and the kink community safely.
Kink Resources
Here are a few resources Paula shared:
Fetlife.com is a social network for the BDSM, Fetish and Kink Community. (like facebook, but for kinky people.) https://fetlife.com/glossary
A book that can help us understand and navigate the world of kink. Playing Well With Others, by: Lee Harrington & Mollena Williams-Haas https://www.amazon.com/Playing-Well-Others-Discovering-Communities/dp/0937609587
The Power Dynamic
Paula brought up a great point as we were talking about power dynamics in role play. Her point was that if we really zoom in, if we really, really zoom in, are we ever not playing with power? There tends to be a more submissive partner and a more dominant partner in the bedroom. Let’s face it, if we’re both submissive or both dominate we’ve got an issue. There naturally tends to be a power exchange in play as part of the dynamics in a relationship. And we trade it back and forth so it levels the playing field and the equality overall. This power exchange naturally happens in all relationships.
When a power exchange goes unchecked, it can create frustration and resentment. Which is why Therapist, Paula Leech is an advocate for couples therapy. Therapy is a great place to learn how to communicate our individual needs, boundaries, desires and frustrations in a safe environment.
Sex Is About Play
Paula reminds us that sex is about play. And most of us take it way too seriously, in fact as a culture, we treat it very seriously. We need to remember that sex is fantasy, and where we get to let go. And letting go means stepping into a more playful, imaginative place. After all, kink is a lot about play and allowing ourselves to play and have fun with one another and enjoy our bodies and enjoy pleasure and enjoy the high. And what’s wrong with that, if it’s in a safe and consensual setting.
What We Can Learn From The Kink Community
The fascinating thing about the kink community is that everything is negotiated upfront. And this, Paula Leech says, is something we can all learn from the kink community. They are really great at negotiating what the rules and boundaries are and how to take care of one another.
Where as in the “Vanilla” community, we don’t talk about sex, we simply have sex and move on.
In the kink community every aspect of the experience is discussed, which helps to create a layer of safety. And safety is an important part of the sexual experience. And let’s face it, we all have trauma histories and challenging experiences around our sexuality.
And so we need to understand and negotiate and come to the sexual experience consensually. Because knowing the boundaries and knowing the parameters of the sexual experience, frees us up to not have to worry about it going anywhere we don’t want it to go, and then we can enjoy the experience. We can be really present in that experience.
About Paula Leech
Paula received her Bachelor’s Degree in Family and Human Development at Arizona State University and then went on to receive her Master’s Degree in Family Therapy at the University of Massachusetts, at Boston. Post family therapy licensure, she became AASECT (American Association for Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) certified as a Sex Therapist and worked with individuals, relationships, and families in private practice in Quincy, Massachusetts for over ten years. In that time, Paula received AASECT certification as a Supervisor of Sex Therapy, and co-founded a sex therapy agency and training institute where she saw clients in addition to training therapists to become competent, confident sex therapists themselves. Paula continues to regularly present at various training institutes as well as Universities and therapy agencies across the US.
Connect with Paula Leech Therapy on Instagram @paulaleechtherapy or visit her website https://www.paulaleech.com/about-me
https://www.instagram.com/paulaleechtherapy/
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